It’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated the blog. I swore that I’d be better than this. To punish myself for this lack of *~incredibly valuable content~*, I decided to make myself eat a bunch of meat bars.
OK, so this wasn’t the most random thing that I’ve ever done. In a few weeks, Team Hot Bhattis is reuniting to run another Ragnar Trail Relay. The last time we raced together, we ate nothing but KIND Bars for 32 hours. This time around, I want to be prepared with the types of snacks that keep me away from the all-you-can-eat s’mores table at 2 a.m.
So against the recommendation of every doctor in America (probably), I bought every meat-based protein bar that I could get my hands on. After a frustratingly long search, I ended up with an Epic Bar, a Krave Stick, and one from an off-brand called “Vermont Smoke & Cure.” I rated each one on a scale of “Rag-nommm or Rag-nahhh.” Here’s what I found.
Epic Bar
The Epic Bar wasn’t completely new to me. Joe let me have one of his after we wrapped up our first Ragnar Trail two years ago. “For the love of God, I don’t want to eat any more granola,” I pleaded. “I will take anything that you can spare that’s edible and does not contain whole grains.”
With that in mind, I was curious to try it again on a slightly less desperate stomach. I opted for the “Chicken & Sriracha” option, and the wrapper promised 15 grams of protein in a 5-ounce bar. This seemed like enough to put me to sleep before the sun went down.
But then, a surprise. It wasn’t totally appalling. In fact, I kind of enjoyed it.
I was pleasantly surprised by how, er, fresh it tasted. OK, it still wasn’t exactly like eating real food. But imagine that I served you a meatball that hadn’t been covered in sauce and had accidentally been left out for a couple hours. It wouldn’t be your favorite, but you probably wouldn’t say, “Rich, this is disgusting and we are no longer friends.” That, in a nutshell, was my experience with the Epic Bar.
Rag-nommm or Rag-nahhh? Rag-nommm, for sure. 10/10, would eat again.
Krave Stick
The wrapper said that there were three main ingredients: rosemary, turkey, and white beans. I usually like all of those things! Well, unless you grind them up and turn them into meat bars, apparently.
As you can see in this very flattering photo of me, the Krave Stick was not my favorite.
When I was a kid, I knew that I wasn’t supposed to eat Play-Doh. But even though I knew that it would not taste good, I just had to find out for myself. Eating this Krave Stick felt a lot like that. I was pretty sure that I should have spit it out, but at the same time, I wondered if it would taste better after the first bite. The answer was a big fat, “No, you idiot. This thing is rancid.”
Rag-nommm or Rag-nahhh? Rag-nahhh. Hard pass unless the zombie apocalypse is upon us and there are no other options.
Random Off-Brand From the Pharmacy
There weren’t that many meat bars at the store. In fact, the only other one that I could find was a random pork sausage by Vermont Smoke & Cure. I knew it would be disgusting. Meat sticks shouldn’t cost 99 cents after tax. But when I write for the Internet, I like to have at least three headings and I refused to make this post an exception.
I think someone at this company has a sense of humor. “Let’s individually wrap our leftover breakfast sausages from this morning and slap the word ‘organic’ on the wrapper,” that person probably said. “I bet some dummy will buy these meat bars and think they’re making a heart-healthy decision.” I guess this time, I was that dummy.
Rag-nommm or Rag-nahhh? Rag-nahhh. Will never eat again.
Conclusions
Would I recommend this experiment to any of my friends? Absolutely not. Personally, I never want to eat this many meat bars in one sitting ever again. Even though I just nibbled on each one for the sake of this post, I’m pretty sure that my body is still digesting these.
But at the same time, I actually think the Epic Bar is tasty. Before we head up to Vermont this summer, I’ll probably pick up a few of them. They might not make me a stronger trail runner, but they will keep me from getting hangry—which will be a huge benefit to the entire team.
Did I miss any of your favorite options? Do you disagree with my take on the disgusting off-brand option? Let me know in the comments below!
Leave a Reply